My train wreck of thoughts

There are many things that come and go into my train of thoughts in the run of a day (and these days that train has been running full steam ahead), but of the many thoughts that pile into my mind, I'm always grappling with friendships the most.

Becoming a mom totally changed my friendships. Yes, it did. I have many different circles of friends that all serve different roles in my life. I have the few I see mainly at work, the crew I see at our weekly workout session outing, and a small few that are near and dear to my heart through many years of sharing, honesty and bonding -- the Old Faithfuls. As we all spin and turn and meander our way through our lives outside of our friendships, we are in a constant state of disconnect for a while / catch up; it's a fun, but can be exhausting all the same. Being a mom means that my children occupy that number 1 spot in the priority list. Being a mom means that my plans with my friends can sometimes get trumped by family outings or commitments, work schedule changes, travelling, a lack of a babysitter, or even the simple fact that I cannot just get up and go at a moment's notice.

This summer I had grandeur plans of connecting... really connecting... and catching up with all of these groups of friends. There were plans of girls' nights out, girls' nights in, lunches, suppers, trips to the wildlife park even. None of them happened. Life happenings got in the way. Instead it's become a constant conversation of "We have to get together... I can't believe summer is almost over... Where did the time go... I thought you said we were going to do _____..."

And here I sit this morning, typing this wondering why I feel guilty. Am I really that bad a friend? Are these missed encounters and foiled plans my fault? Then my thoughts take a turn... WAIT. These friendships are two-way streets. I can't assume all blame in not getting together with these people. Or should I? Have these friends given up on me? Have they resolved to waiting for me to arrange things with them to suit my schedule?

Sigh.

Anyone know where that relationship manual went...