Sunday, February 28, 2010

I would like to honourably decline, thank you...

That Mother of the Year award? Well... I don't want it. I want sleep instead!

Please, all gods of virtue and goodness, help me from being an old, washed up cranky arse today!

It's been a full 4 weeks since I've been back to work from maternity leave, and while it's been quite smooth, I think it's caught up to me. I'm TIRED! We're not talking need-a-nap-today-to-cure-it tired. We're talking full on coffee-is-not-enough, my-legs-hurt, f-you-headache-that-won't-go-away, if-you-wake-one-more-time-child-I'll... TIRED!

It's presently 6:52am. Because my dear son (DS) decided that 11:27pm was his mini-morning last night, I only got to sleep at around.... oh... 1:20am. So, with the 5:57am wake time, that's... well, if you're well-rested enough, you can do the math! Seriously, the only other time I remember being this tired was when DS was about 6 weeks old and started to pull all nighters. I'm functioning, as I was then, on some warped, out-of-date, really pissed off version of autopilot! :(

With this lack of sleep, or just plain tiredness (because I believe there's a difference), my "dragoness" alter ego rears it's ugly head. (It's truly ugly!) Amid life, I'm still trying to tea party with the daughter, smile, be happy-you-can-count-on-me teacher lady, and (cough) keep my husband from finding other extracurricular partners (cough, cough). Not tonight, honey, I'm even too tired to tell you I have a headache, sorry.

So to my immediate surrounding posse, I say:

  1. I'm sorry I'm snapping at you.
  2. No, DD, I'm not mad at you, that look is just a semi-permanent grimace of sleep angst.
  3. Mother, go pound sand. I don't care how you, or your mother, or anyone else you hold in high esteem coped 'way back then' with 17 kids, minimal ammenities, and farm animals.
  4. DS, please get over this cold and return to your regularly scheduled sleeping program, which wasn't great, but I'd really appreciate a long series of re-runs right about now!
  5. Honey, keep close to the palm sisters for a while longer.
And to the greater entourage of life: 
That mother of the year award, you can stick it!

the tired me

Saturday, February 20, 2010

It should just be a simple good bye

The tears are flowing now, but it should just be a simple good bye.

Today we had to put our golden retriever, Monty Macgill Strathspey, down. She was almost 6 years old & was a part of our family. Perhaps moreso a part of me than anyone would realize.

She was such a good dog.

I got pregnant (surprise!) in 2002. Our first pregnancy; we were so excited. But, unfortunately, that pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was in shock. I didn't really react. Everyone knew I was pregnant; everyone knew I miscarried.

I moved on through day to day tasks. I smiled on the outside. But I didn't know I hurt so much on the inside until we weren't getting pregnant again.... or again... not this month.... nor the next.... or the next... but people, colleagues, friends, relatives, all around me were all pregnant it seemed.
It burned.
Why couldn't I get pregnant again? Why did I have to have a miscarriage? What was wrong? Was that my only chance at being a mother?

To try to get my mind off things, to try to fulfill the nurturing void, I coerced my husband into us getting a dog.
A puppy. A Golden Retriever.

And less than two years after she joined our family I got pregnant.

So, Monty, even though your poor, poor hips made you seem so much older... even though you'd bark everytime the furnace came on.... even though you'd eat the cats' poopsicles... even though you hated to swim... even though we cursed you sometimes... even though you always insisted on sitting on my lap or in a folding deck chair... even though we couldn't take you everywhere because you always got so friggin car sick even with the medicine (can you say puke & diarrhea everywhere!??!)...even though you weighed almost 100 lbs and were almost as tall as me, for God's sake! Even though you slipped on the ice and dislocated your hip again, I hope you know, we took the vet's advice and did what was best. But what I really want you to know, is that
you brought me through a really tough time in my life. You allowed me to feel I could nurture. You allowed me to mother you.

And although I cry right now thinking of you, I have to be assured because Brenley told me:
"It's ok, Mommy. Monty's gone to doggy heaven, which is next door to cat heaven, which is next door to people heaven, so she's gonna be all right..."

Monty MacGill Strathspey
March 31st, 2004 - February 20, 2010

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I think I need an intervention :(

Yes, sadly, I think I need an intervention. Or, wait. Perhaps it's my soon-to-be one year old son who needs an intervention? My daughter? Someone in this house needs an intervention!

Case A: When I was on mat. leave
Once I had my dear son, and we had breastfeeding and life with two kids adjusted, we got into a nice routine. Although my son has never been great to sleep through the night, he would wake maybe twice for all of 10 minutes, then fall back to sleep. My 4 year old daughter sleeps like a log; not even a freight train could wake her, so, we'd all emerge from our cozy cocoons sosmewhere between 8 and 10am. There was never really a set time, but it was blissfully somewhere in that two hour span. It was so wonderful that often we couldn't make it to playgroup or preschool skating on time!

aaaaahhhhhh... to quote Archie & Edith Bunker...those were the days...

Case B: Now that I've returned to work
It's been my first week back to work. I'm a teacher. Fine. I do love my job most days. I also have to travel 40 minutes to my very rural school and the babysitter's house. I leave the house each day at 7:30am with two kids in tow.

Because of this new schedule, we had to introduce a new routine to the children ("chillins" as we call them). Daughter is now in bed after the 7pm episode of Hannah Freakin' Montana; but she doesn't usually fall asleep until 8pm. My darling little boy can't really make it past 7:15pm. It's kind of nice to have a couple of hours to ourselves in the evenings. (Um, to tidy up the house, do the dishes, get lunches ready for the next day... w e  a r e  s o  e x c i t i n g)

But, can we fast forward to the waking hour?

I was mentally prepared to be waking (truth be known I just wrote "bed" there instead of "be" -- my mine is sending me subliminal messages!) at 5:45 each morning, just to get myself and everything and everyone ready each morning. (see previous post about the whole new routine) The first Monday, no problems. I got up. Woke my darling son at about 6:15am. My hubby woke the dragon sleeping daughter at 6:30 (which ended up being waaaaaaay too early for her). Everyone was ready and out the door on time. Tuesday saw the same routine, only dear daughter got up at 6:55am, which was much more manageable. Wednesday...
the little arse son woke up at 4:45am --- pinging --- not going back to sleep, ready for the day!

Thursday, little arse woke up at 5AM!!!!!

Friday, 5:05AM!!!
By Friday afternoon I was a slumping, slouching, yawning, cranky, irritable shell of a being. (Thank God, I was at an inservice where I could hide from most people!)

And that brings us to today.... Saturday.
Note to children: IT'S THE WEEKEND! TIME TO SLEEP IN!!!!!!!!

Well, let me tell you. Right now it's 6:58am. I've been up for 2 hours. Dear son and I had breakfast long ago. While we were eating, another offspring emerged from her bedroom. At 6am. FML. I've already endured 3 Hannah Montana performances and 4 outfit changes by my daughter who is insisting that I call her "Hannah Montana" and her brother "Jackson" today. She just freakin' called "Robbie Ray". (If some dude with sideburns and bad highlighted mullet hair shows up on my doorstep today, I'm moving. End of story!)


Intervention needed, jury! Case A vs. Case B
How am I ever going to get my old, sleeping in life back that all my friends were jealous of? Is there any way to train your children to wake later on weekends?

My husband always used to joke that everyday he "got up at the crack of dawn" (My name is Dawn - hardy har har). Well, he's still in bed right now. Asleep.

And this crack is ready to crack!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

"Tumultuous" - thank you Alanis Morrissette

I'm sitting here on a Thursday evening, half falling asleep, too stubborn to power down & head to bed. (Afterall, it is only 9pm!) This has been a very tumultuous (thank you, Alanis Morrissette for teaching me that word in your lyrics) week in my so-called life.

My stomach tossed & turned with dread, but also excitement & nervousness as I headed to work Monday. With 545am alarms, winter driving for the commute to work, having to wake my sleeping children (well, sort of...more on that coming) one thought keeps creeping into my mind:

Why, oh why, didn't I think of setting up a shared teaching or co-teaching term for these months when I've returned to work? I'd be saving on gas money, reducing the homework/ prep each night (I swear I do more homework than all of my 125 students put together!!!) - le sigh. And, as much as I longed for regular adult conversation, the B.S. associated with my job & colleagues is simply overpowering & even toxic at times; frankly, I could do without!

All that being said, however, when some of my students came into my classroom today & were so genuinely excited to have me back... Giving me cards & drawings, even a cookie!... It kind of affirmed my love of teaching. Yet I'm still struggling this time around with my dual role - mother & working/teacher mom. I find it to be mentally, physically & emotionally exhausting so far in this first week back. (Now that could also be the sleep deprivation as dear son has had me awake before or right at 5am the past 2 mornings!!! -sending sleep vibes his way now)

If the forecasted 30cm of snow doesn't come tomorrow, I'll be at a professional development session, likely not really paying attention... More likely daydreaming or catching a few open-eyed winks. See, I'm so sleepy right now, this isn't even making sense anymore... Lol

'Night all... I'll spare you anymore...
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.