Today we had to put our golden retriever, Monty Macgill Strathspey, down. She was almost 6 years old & was a part of our family. Perhaps moreso a part of me than anyone would realize.
She was such a good dog.
I got pregnant (surprise!) in 2002. Our first pregnancy; we were so excited. But, unfortunately, that pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was in shock. I didn't really react. Everyone knew I was pregnant; everyone knew I miscarried.
I moved on through day to day tasks. I smiled on the outside. But I didn't know I hurt so much on the inside until we weren't getting pregnant again.... or again... not this month.... nor the next.... or the next... but people, colleagues, friends, relatives, all around me were all pregnant it seemed.
Why couldn't I get pregnant again? Why did I have to have a miscarriage? What was wrong? Was that my only chance at being a mother?It burned.
To try to get my mind off things, to try to fulfill the nurturing void, I coerced my husband into us getting a dog.
A puppy. A Golden Retriever.
And less than two years after she joined our family I got pregnant.
So, Monty, even though your poor, poor hips made you seem so much older... even though you'd bark everytime the furnace came on.... even though you'd eat the cats' poopsicles... even though you hated to swim... even though we cursed you sometimes... even though you always insisted on sitting on my lap or in a folding deck chair... even though we couldn't take you everywhere because you always got so friggin car sick even with the medicine (can you say puke & diarrhea everywhere!??!)...even though you weighed almost 100 lbs and were almost as tall as me, for God's sake! Even though you slipped on the ice and dislocated your hip again, I hope you know, we took the vet's advice and did what was best. But what I really want you to know, is that
you brought me through a really tough time in my life. You allowed me to feel I could nurture. You allowed me to mother you.
And although I cry right now thinking of you, I have to be assured because Brenley told me:
"It's ok, Mommy. Monty's gone to doggy heaven, which is next door to cat heaven, which is next door to people heaven, so she's gonna be all right..."